Tales of the Kitchen – In which there is a lot of Smeagol

Yes folks, that Smeagol.

This past brunch was an interesting one (as always). First I came in to the news that Carol is leaving the state at the end of next month, so I curled up and cried in a corner for a little while until they dragged me out and made me work. We were busy for a little while, but then came the usual boredom time and Carol goes to me, “So hey, I have this lifesize cardboard cut-out of Smeagol in my trunk. Should I get it?”

Not even questioning how it got there, I’m all,

“YES!”

So she brings little Smeagol in and we geek out for a moment and then I say, “You know what, we should hide this and scare people all day.”

To which she said, “YES!”

So we purposely hid him around corners for most of the morning and people are all,

Then we learn that the woman who works in the market, who is wonderful and we will call Linda, is particularly terrified of him. Which spurs the scare-ALL-the-poop-out-of-Linda marathon. We put him around a corner and called for her to come talk to us and made her jump a foot in the air. We propped him up on the line, let her get used to it, then one time when she was walking by we knocked it with a grill brush so it went flying in her face. I think she nearly passed out. My personal favorite, though, was when Linda went into the elevator and we knew she’d be coming out soon so we placed it right in front of the doors. We were in the kitchen when she came back up and al we heard was screaming and the smacking of cardboard.

She came back all like,

To which we cackled at and she stomped out of the kitchen.

This also happened to be the same day it was declared National Phil Collins Day in the kitchen. I don’t know why. But it was. That’s all.

Bacon, out.

Tales of the Kitchen – In Which Strawberry Farts are Discovered

Wow, man, I’m a horrible blogger. I haven’t posted in ages.

I will take my punishment.

Anyhow, going right into it:

So one day this week, it was just my boss and myself working. Normal people would probably freak out because OH GOD ONE ON ONE WITH THE BOSS, WHAT IF I SAY SOMETHING STUPID, but my boss, who we’ll call Trisha, is kinda really awesome. I’m one of those people who get all anxious about making sure to respect my higher-ups and all that (it kinda comes with the working-in-a-kitchen territory), but Trina’s never made me feel that way. Then again, I knew her as a colleague way before working with her as a boss.

Anyways, I was busy doing something tedious that I’ve since blocked from my brain while she got out about twenty-four containers of strawberries. We do high-quantity work, and we have a few wine dinners coming up, so I shrugged and kept working.

So by now she has a big bowl of cut up strawberries. She pauses, sighs and says to me, “Have you ever noticed how disgusting strawberries smell?”

“Um, not really, no,” I say. I mean, they’re freaking strawberries. Aren’t there shampoos and crud all made from that scent?

“No, really! Especially when you’re cutting up a bunch like this.”

So I sneak a little closer to her giant bowl of strawberries, lean in and…

THEY DO SMELL.

STRAWBERRIES. SMELL. LIKE. FARTS.

Now go smell some cut-up strawberries and tell me I’m wrong.

Bacon, out.

Tasty Tuesdays: In which I make some Quasi-Ramen Noodles of the Sour Curry Beef Variety

So I was Tumbling the other day and I saw some kinda awesome/weird ways to spice up ramen noodles. Which got me thinking: what defines ramen as “ramen” anyways?

Apparently, very little. The definition is almost as vague as curry. Stolen straight from wiki:

Ramen (ラーメン rāmen?, IPA: [ɽaːmeɴ]) is a Japanese noodle dish. It consists of Chinese-style wheat noodles served in a meat- or (occasionally) fish-based broth, often flavored with soy sauce or miso, and uses toppings such as sliced pork (チャーシュー chāshū?), dried seaweed (海苔 nori?), kamaboko, green onions, and occasionally corn. Almost every locality in Japan has its own variation of ramen, from the tonkotsu (pork bone broth) ramen of Kyushu to the miso ramen of Hokkaido.

Which naturally meant I had to play with it and create my own.

*cough*

A couple of the ingredients may be foreign to you, so I’ll link the words to pictures of the products that I use — though there are plenty different varieties out there. These are all very common things found in Asian markets, and some awesome grocery stores. You probably have an Asian market nearby, trust me. If I have one within driving distance in the middle of nowhere, anything’s possible. Google is your friend.

If you have any questions, feel free to shoot them at me!

Stuff for a single serving:

• 1 tsp.      Oil (olive or sesame recommended)
• ½ sm      Onion, diced or sliced
• 1 clv        Garlic, minced
• 2 c          Water
• 2             Beef Bouillon Cubes OR water & bouillon can be replaced by 2 c Beef Stock/Broth*
• ½ c-¾ c   Vegetable of Choice (I used edamame & napa cabbage)
• 1 tsp.       Tamari or Soy sauce
• A TINY LITTLE DAB of Red Curry Paste (This is legit spicy stuff. Omit or add more at your discretion
• 1 tbsp       Sour Curry Paste
• 1 tbsp       Miso
• About 1 c  Noodles** — too much or too little won’t kill your ramen
• 1              Egg (optional — I’m not crazy, honest)

IIIIIIIIIIINSTRUCTIIIIONS:

1. Alright, so, take your onion and garlic and saute them in a small pot. A little caramelization (you know, when an onion gets all brown ‘cause you kinda sorta burnt it in a tasty way) won’t hurt, but try not to overdo it.
2. Add your water, bouillon, veggies and your tamari/soy, curries and miso and let it chill at a simmer until your bouillon cubes are dissolved and/or your veggies are fork tender. It’s alright if they’re a little under; we still have some things to do.
3. Dump in your noodles. Stir them around. Crack and drop in your egg and make sure it’s covered. You’re pretty much poaching it, which isn’t nearly as gross and weird as it sounds. Trust me. It’s freaking delicious.
4. Cook all that at a nice simmer for five-six minutes or until your noodles are soft and your egg is cooked.
5. EAT IT.

This is kind of a sort of blasphemous recipe, combining Japanese and Thai flavor profiles. But, what can I say, American cookery is a melting pot. Those two styles are probably some of my favorites to play on, though. I had a friend whose mother was off-the-boat Thai and I learned a TON from her, so it sneaks into most of my Asian dishes.

Anyhow, I hope you all enjoy it!

Bacon, out.

*Stock is ridiculously easy to make and pretty much takes no money whatsoever (if fact it may save you money) and I will totally post how to make it if anyone’s curious because it’s actually kind of awesome.

**I used mung bean noodles in mine, but you could use Chinese-style noodles, rice noodles or whatever you feel like.

Tasty Tuesdays: In Which we have Hot Chocolate Oatmeal

So, because my videos normally don’t fit the theme of my blog, I’m going switch up my Tuesday posts. Might as well share the chefy love, right? Anyhow, I’ll start off with something very simple, but tasty. If you have any questions about ingredients, substitutions or whatever, please comment!

I don’t have a picture because I’m lame. BUT IT LOOKS AND IS DELICIOUS. (Trust me.)

Stuff for a single serving:

• 1/4 cup Oatmeal
• 3 tbsp Coco Powder*
• 1/4-1/2 tsp Cinnamon (depending on your preference)
• A Few Drops Vanilla Extract
• 1 tbs Sugar of your choice (or to taste)**
• 1/2-1 cup Milk/yogurt of you choice*** (optional-ish — you may want to lessen the coco power it you go without)
• Nuts, seeds, dried berries, whatever (optional)

INSTRRRRUCTIONS:

Microwave:

1. Toss the first six ingredients in a cereal bowl. Mix it up a bit, but it won’t get all up in there because cold liquid don’t like them thar powders.
2. Microwave according to the package instructions on your oatmeal. Or just throw it in the microwave an guess like me.
3. BAM, OATMEAL. Add your milk and fun stuff, stir the crud out of it and eat it before it gets cool because cold oatmeal is nasty.

Stove-stop:

1. Take the water and oatmeal and cook according to package instructions. Or just throw it in a pot an cook it till it seems alright like me.
2. Mix in the next four ingredients. Insert something funny/sarcastic/sassy here.
3. Throw in everything else, mix well and BAM, OATMEAL

Also, whipped cream/marshmallows would be killer on this. Please someone do this because I can’t and I eat through other people now.

Bacon, out.

*I put a 1/4 cup in mine because I love chocolate a lot.

**I’m on a diet where I can’t have sugar without intense pain. Yeah, it sucks. So I use two packets of Stevia to sweeten this and I’m guesstimating what the regular population would like.

***Can’t have dairy, either. Nope, no clue how I’m surviving this. I use kefir in mine because probiotics are win.

Tales of the Kitchen – In Which There is Orange Poop

Gotcha with that title, didn’t I?

Anyhow, so today at work we started talking about alcohol. First because Michelle (fellow baker) was invited to one of our wine dinners which is kinda awesome because they’re really expensive and fancy and stuff. (I know, you so want to go after that excellent description.) Then we learned that my boss, who we’ll call Trisha, doesn’t really like exotic foods of any sort. Not even anything slightly different. Like the dark meat of a chicken which, I’m gonna be honest, left me a big like:

I was a snobby chef before I was a baker, it’s a knee-jerk reaction, I can’t help it.

Then that somehow lead to mentioning that my twenty-first birthday was coming up and they, knowing I’m the weird goody two-shoes of the kitchen, started giving me their worst alcohol stories.

During this, Michelle randomly announces, “So don’t drink green beer. Ever.”

I start giggling because I had no idea green beer existed, and when you wake up at two a.m., everything is hilarious. But Trisha asks, “Why?”

“Because my roommate in college was a bit of a drinker, and one St Patty’s day she went out and had quite a few green beers. She says the next day she had a bright, neon orange poop.”

At which point I bent down squatting laughing so hard.

I mean, all I can imagine is some, like, glowing alien thing chilling in your toilet.

Can anyone confirm or deny this? Because I’m too afraid to Google it and I NEED TO KNOW.

K. Kazul Wolf

Terrifying Tuesdays: Who is Sara?

I was crying. What is odd is I never cry, but here I am, quietly sobbing, sitting in an uncomfortable pleather chair with my parents looking at me like I was insane. The hand picked “evidence” sprawled over the guidance counselor’s desk, highlighted scraps of paper and printouts didn’t help my case either, and everyone has that same look in their eyes…sort of how you look at a three legged dog…the look of pity.

Spontaneous Speculation: TCWT Blogchain: In Which There’s Almost Slapping

Well, here goes my first blogchain post! It was kinda ridiculously fun, I definitely should find more of these to jump in on. Though this’ll be my only with TCWT, considering next month I’ll be turning twenty-one (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN).

On that note, let’s jump into it.

The prompt is: ”Write a letter to an antagonist.”

I had to sit and think about this one. I’m one of those people who see a blurred line between a good protagonist and antagonist. Every villain is a hero in their own mind, after all. So I went with someone who really wasn’t a “villain” by any standard. In fact, he was a love interest by the end. But he was the antagonist for the MC of the book.

So my letter is to Akiva, from “Daughter of Smoke and Bone” by Laini Taylor. (I haven’t read the sequel yet — it’s on it’s way — so only vague spoilers for the first book.)

Dear Akiva,

If I could slap you right now, I would.

And instead of just verbally abusing you, I should probably explain that, huh?

You see, you were an absolutely fascinating character to follow. If I had to describe you in one word, it would be “beautiful.” Not just because of physical beauty, but because of the person you were. Everything about you loved beautifully, ached beautifully, longed beautifully. You really were an angel, bent and broken by loss and grief for nearly two decades. You, once caring, killed without a second thought, driven by an emotionless state of existence. But knowing you, hearing your voice, I would still call it beautiful.

Then, seeing that shell break, seeing you turn from being the bad guy to the one who stood by Karou’s side no matter what! You even went to her and turned your back on your brother and sister, the only two people you had left.

And yet you destroyed Karou. You crippled my beloved main character in just a few short lines because of something you couldn’t have known. You thought you were doing right, or at the very least getting revenge for something that happened so long ago. When you did it, there couldn’t have been consequences. If I were in your position, I would have done the same.

That’s what hurts the most. You made us love you, trust you completely because Karou did the same. I should have seen it coming, but I don’t think I wanted to. Because, like I said, I would have done the exact same thing. And yet I can’t forgive you. That’s killing me, because I just loved you as a person.

So, my dear, you have some explaining to do in your sequel. Or else the slapping will commence.

Sincerely,
K. Kazul Wolf

~~~

Participants:
March 5th – http://letsgetwriteral.blogspot.com
March 6th – http://themysteriousscribblingbook.wordpress.com/
March 7th – http://miriamjoywrites.wordpress.com/
March 8th – http://charlieeatmybook.blogspot.co.uk/
March 9th – http://kkazulwolf.wordpress.com/
March 10th – http://missalexandrinabrant.wordpress.com/
March 11th – http://fida-islaih.blogspot.com/
March 12th – http://sarahhudsonscribbles.blogspot.ca
March 13th – http://musingsfromnevillesnavel.wordpress.com/
March 14th – http://aprilmayjay.blogspot.com/
March 15th – http://thelittleenginethatcouldnt.wordpress.com/
March 16th – http://oliviasopinions.wordpress.com/
March 17th – http://theloonyteenwriter.wordpress.com/
March 18th – http://insideliamsbrain.wordpress.com/
March 19th – http://paulinaczarnecki.wordpress.com/
March 20th – http://notebooksisters.blogspot.com/
March 21st – http://theteenagewriter.wordpress.com/
March 22nd – http://myswordandpen.wordpress.com/
March 23rd – http://mirrormadeofwords.com/
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March 25th – http://realityisimaginary.blogspot.com/
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March 28th http://teenscanwritetoo.wordpress.com/